Friday, November 11, 2011

Depression

It's really hard to believe that I haven't crocheted in many months now. Crocheting has always brought joy to my life and as of lately my depression has been at an all time worse. As a result, I don't find joy in crocheting like I used to. It's almost the middle of November and it's been very cold out. I fear that I will never get around to crocheting a cute hat for my daughter to wear this winter and it will result in her wearing the store bought kind. Before, when my daughter would take a nap, I would sit down and crochet. Now I find myself laying in bed when she goes for a nap, possibly even napping myself. I hate feeling this way. I feel like such a big burden on my family. I just don't have the energy to do the things I use to do. Simple every day things have become a struggle but I force myself to keep on going for the sake of my beautiful daughter. I currently see a psychologist and my family doctor for my depression. My doctor acts like I'm making all this up about how I feel and my psychologist... well he has not seemed to help one bit. It would be great to be able to find a doctor that would take me seriously and a psychologist who could actually help me overcome this struggle with depression but unfortunately, medical assistance will only allow me to see who I'm seeing in my area.

Would I say that I hate my life? No, I wouldn't, but there are definitely some things that I wish I could change. I love being a mother and I love my daughter more then anything in this world. Do I wish I could die? Not at all... death is my number one fear in this world. I remain optimistic that one day my ship will sail in, even if I have to swim out to it, and my daughter and I will live happily every after. There's always a rainbow after a storm... and in my case, hopefully an adorable crocheted hat for my daughter.


6 comments:

03b6522a-7ca7-11e0-ba02-000f20980440 said...

Know that you're not alone. I've been to the point where I've lost joy in all my hobbies as well. Hang on to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it to make it easier to grasp. I'm sorry your doctors are not working well with you. Perhaps a friend that also suffers can help, keep demanding your doctor try different alternatives. Fight for yourself and your daughter. As a pay it forward, I would like to crochet a hat for your daughter in honor of those suffering with depression. Just tell me how old she is, I'm fairly new at the art, but I have been complimented a bit on my work, and it will be made with love.
~Chelle (chelle0518@AOL.COM or Chelle Geden on FB)

Sharon said...

Have you had your thyroid checked? There are some very informative articles at the about.com/thyroid web site. Even if your doctors have told you that your numbers are in the normal range, you might find something at that site that will help you.

Dee said...

Please know that you are not alone and that I understand how you feel. I have also been suffering from depression on and off for the past 2 years. It got bad at one point where I did not recognize the peson I was. Some days were definitely worse then others.... I am married with 4 children and although I love them all more than anything, I had my days where I was just blah. I love to crochet and read and cook, but there were days where I did not want to do any of it. I had no energy and no desire to do ANYTHING. I would cry at random, unexpected times. I did not hate my life, I know I am blessed with a beautiful family, but my unhappiness overwhelmed me at times. I have been seeing a professional and am on medication, and yes it has taken some time, but I am doing better. Please know that you are not alone, and that things will get better. Take things one day at a time. Set a single goal for yourself each day and try not to overwhelm yourself. Sharon made a valid point, have you ruled out other medical conditions? Is your Vitamin D level ok? You are strong, this is just a cloudy period you are going thru. You love your daughter so much and it will help you get thru this. Like you said, there is a rainbow after the storm....

Kelli said...

You most certainly are not alone. That feeling of being in a deep, dark hole is so isolating and one most can't relate to. At one point in my life I had a wonderful friend who had to phone me every morning and tell me step by step to get out of bed and see my 2 teenagers off to school. She, a few other wonderful friends and my psychiatrist got me through. So sorry your med professionals aren't more helpful.
You will see that rainbow again as Dee stated.
Let us know how you are doing.

Marnie said...

Hi, I'm Marnie. I have read all your other comments and what they all say is so very correct. You surely are not alone. My family is plagued with depression or anxiety or both. Brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, my Dad and I myself have experienced it. More times then I’d like to admit. I believe that it comes from my father’s side of the family. I know that his mother died in an asylum. Please don’t let that frighten you. I believe, no I am sure if my Grandmother lived today they could help her. Things have changed so much since then. At that time they said she suffered from hardening of the arteries and that that is what caused her changed disposition from kind, loving and very soft spoken, to that of a person that would have bouts of meanness and sadness. Of course these are stories that I learned from my elders through time. The thing with anxiety and depression is that if you’ve never experienced it you don’t understand it. That includes Family, Friends, Spouses, and Doctors. They all want to help, but in time get very angry when things they do don’t help. Angry with themselves, because they see you suffering and can’t help. The fact is that no one….but you can really made the difference. You have to force yourself to do things you don’t want to. You are lucky though you have a child, and I feel that there is no better way to feel happy than in a child’s presence. I was never blessed with any myself, but have the most precious nieces and nephews. When all else failed I make myself go play with them. Games, coloring, whatever. And for that short time I felt a little of me coming back. And I also realized that if it could happen for that short time I was with them, then I knew I was not totally lost to the darkness. I went quite some time, not understanding why I felt that way. I had a absolutely positively wonderful husband who I married when I was 37. I had never been married before. The wait was worth it, because I definitely got the right one. So… in my mind I was thinking how could I be sad! I’ve got what I always wanted. And……Yet I was so depressed and anxious. My “Babydoll” didn’t know what else to do other than hold me, but I couldn’t stay in his arms forever and to be honest I knew that it wasn’t a good thing to do. I would only go to him and get a squeeze and then make myself go back to work. Do something, anything. And though I am not a person that attends church regularly(I keep God in my house, my heart, and my soul ) I took the Good Lord and his son where ever I went . I mean that literally! From the moment I woke up to the end of the day. When I cleaned, cooked, shopped (such and hard thing to do when you feel the darkness) and when I slept. I talked with them, walked with them, and even held hands with them, when I walked or rode in the car and just setting. It may sound like all I want to do is talk about “Me”, but truly I want you to know you can make it out of the “Darkness” into the “Light” again. I won’t tell you how long it took me it took me, everyone is different. Just know it Will happen. You can be the you you once were. By the way my condition was hormone related, which I discovered on my own. (finished in next comment)

Marnie said...

. I feel must depression and anxiety are hormone related. I should tell you that my “Babydoll” went to heaven seven years ago this coming February. And though I suffered from a deep sadness then and I will still tear up over the memory of him. Also after his leaving I lost my father who was living with us due to lung cancer and I also lost my home, due to a loss of income and now I live with my brother and his wife in the basement of their home. I feel very grateful to have them and their generosity. The reason I tell you this is not to make you feel any worse than you do already, but because through all that…..I am not now and never was depressed during that time. I have medicated for some 8 years now and it makes a world of difference in my well being. I think it helped me in many other ways. With things I didn’t know I had trouble with. I now finish project I would never complete before and in the last 3 years I have read over 300 books. I may have read a total of ten in my life prior to the meds. Before I lost interest quickly always off to a new project not to be completed. If you’d like to talk ….my address is marniebob@yahoo.com . I know I’m a prefect strange, but if I can help I’d like to. Keep trying to pick up that hook and yarn. One stitch at a time is all it takes. And Don’t forget to take the guys with you wherever you go. You truly are never alone.

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