Wednesday, May 25, 2011

You know you've been crocheting too long when...

You know you've been crocheting too long when...

1. You need to rent or buy a separate dwelling just for your yarn, patterns, etc.

2. Your family tiptoes around and is quiet when you are "counting" (lest they end up killed outright for making you lose your stitch count)

3. Micheal's, Annie's Attic, Hobby Lobby and the Needlecraft Shoppe all know you by first name only and have memorized your credit card details

4. You cannot go through metal detectors because you have so many hooks stashed everywhere in your luggage, your purse, etc.

5. Strangers mail yarn and unfinished projects to you without asking first.

6. Caron and Lion Brand are fighting over which one of them can hire you as "Poster Crocheter" in their new ad campaign.

7. Your computer's memory is maxxed due to the number of websites for crochet that you have bookmarked as favorites.

8. Your email inbox exploded due to sheer volume of Internet crochet list email.

9. You know more people by their email address than their actual names.

10. You win the lottery and spend the whole darn thing to buy Lion Brand Yarns' stock, a sheep farm in New Zealand, and spinning lessons.

11. You have more tools that your Significant Other.

12. Michaels and WalMart give you Frequent Customer discounts.

13. Your local yarn store owner knows exactly what skein of yarn you just ran out of the moment you show up in their parking lot. They also know what row you should be on by now.

14. You own more yarn by weight than you do furniture or motor vehicles.

15. The IRS and state tax authorities allow you to declare your yarn, pattern, hooks, etc. as dependents on your tax returns.

16. When someone mentions UFOs, you automatically think of Un Finished Objects (as in unfinished crochet projects) rather than extraterrestrial transports.

17. You have more yarn in your closets, storage lockers, garage, etc. than Micheal's main warehouse has.

18. You have had to explain to non-crafters the difference between crochet and knitting more times than you can count.

19. You can crochet perfectly while fast asleep.

20. Your family decides they've had enough of your hoarding and hooking and has you kidnapped and deprogrammed.

21. You cannot find your family amongst all the boxes and bins of yarn and patterns around your home.

22. Your family files a class action suit charging the yarn manufacturers, pattern publishers, etc. for causing you to abandon them (alienation of affections).

23. Strange men call and show up, having heard a "hooker" is available at this address.

24. Because of you, yarn and patterns have now been declared an illicit substance by the FDA and DEA. They find you and throw away the key.

25. You write in abbreviations only, thanks to reading patterns for too long.

26. Instead of counting sheep to sleep, you count stitches.

27. You intrigue Martha Stewart by having every item in your house crocheted, including your furniture. You make her jealous because she didn't think of this first.

28. Even when they take your yarn and thread away in hopes of curing your affliction, you grab anything; dental floss, wire, packaging twine, weeds, tinsel, etc. and start crocheting with it instead.

29. Everyone you know has something you crocheted but in a strange color combination because they failed to specify a color preference, and you had so much scrap yarn to use up.

30. When it was time to tent your house to kill termites, etc. you crocheted the tent from plastic grocery bags cut into strips.

31. You taught one of your children to crochet a chain but did not tell them how to finish off; you now have a 5 mile chain "string" lying about.

32. You realize you practice a craft where the phrase "the end is near" actually has a positive meaning (your project is nearly finished.

33. You chastise people who call a crochet hook a "needle".

34. You got fed up with the unhelpful and rude craft store clerk at your local yarn store and crocheted her to her cash register in the middle of the night, stuffing a ball of yarn in her mouth so she wouldn't yell out.

35. You frequently get charged with carrying concealed weapons without a permit because you carry crochet hooks around.

36. You determine that you can eat Cheetos and crochet at the same time by using toothpicks to pick up the Cheetos so they don't stain your fingers.

37. You get a patent on how to crochet with chocolate. You also develop a chocolate that cannot melt and stain your yarn.

38. If you stacked your yarn from end to end, it would stretch from here to the Sun (96 million miles or so)

39. You crochet during dental treatment.

40. You win a fashion award for crocheting people's hair into interesting hairdos.


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